What if it were me?

I have been hesitant to post about mom because we had to re-think Korea.  She did get the OK to go but that blasted pain had to push back the date.  How can you take that kind of flight when you can't even make it through the airport?  Then her internal medicine doctor gave her a med which seemed to help ease that pain (but could also be from that last radiation treatment) and last weekend mom sounded GREAT.  It was the first halfway normal weekend she's had in a looooong time. 

Korea is definitely still an option but we're taking a week and looking at any possible similar treatments here in the US.  If there is nothing, then I believe that we'll be heading over there.  We have split-up various hospitals and research clinics between four of us and are doing our best in search of the next best hope.  I will keep you posted...

You know, I was going to write in this post how insane work has been lately and the headaches it's been giving me... how my disgusting persistent cough is grossing even me out... how our one-year old water heater just broke and we didn't turn in the warranty nor save the receipt on it... and how chaotic life has been...

Um, it's time to take in a deep breath and realize that life is good.  No matter how wacky and crazy it is... it's my life.  And when your parent is facing life and death decisions each and every day... well, I have nothing to complain about.  I've very often wondered "what if it were me"?  And I can't even do that and think it could be anything close to what she is going through.  The truth is, I have no clue what she is really experiencing.  I only think I have an idea of what it might be like and then have to make that ten-fold... and still, I know it won't come close.  So, basically - it is unfathomable. 

Why then, do I do that?  I catch myself asking that question, out of the blue... driving my car, sitting at my desk, looking at my daughters.  "What if it were me"?  I guess that question will be reality for all of us someday.  But I think I would have to answer my own question like this:  "I would want to be like her".  Wow, she is tough.  Through pain and all the things that come with chemo, radiation and those life-and-death decisions... she fights and fights.  When she couldn't push through that pain one more step... she took one more step. 

So, here we go... to find the next best hope... or fly to Korea... or invent a cure ourselves.  

This ain't over, Mr. Cancer.  Even Iron Mike lost his Heavyweight Champion of the World title. 

Click on the link, Mom... you'll smile. :-)

Click here!!

Ooh, you come out of a dream,

Peaches and cream,


Lips like strawberry wine,


You're sixteen,


You're beautiful and you're mine.






You're all ribbons and curls,


Oh, what a girl!


Eyes that twinkle and shine,


You're sixteen,


You're beautiful and you're mine.






You're my baby, you're my pet,


We fell in love on the night we met.


You touched my hand, my heart went "pop",


And ooh, when we kissed we could not stop.






You walked out of my dream,


Into my arms,


Now you're my angel divine,


You're sixteen,


You're beautiful and you're mine.






You're my baby, you're my pet,


We fell in love on the night we met,


You touched my hand, my heart went pop,


Ooh when we kissed we could not stop.






You walked out of my dreams, and into my car,


Now you're my angel divine,


You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine.

Have a little faith...

I’ve used the word God quite a few times in this blog… and cussed a little too… oops (guess you can take the girl out of ‘da hood but you can’t take ‘da hood out of the girl). I feel a need to pontificate (yes, I used the word pontificate)…

I loved Grace Baptist Church. Up on a hill with reflected light… like a beacon. Friendly and casual. Saturday evening worship is the best. Come as you are. The songs are contemporary and meaningful. The pastors full of knowledge and sincerity.

We are all lost at one time or another. Some of us are lost longer than others. Some of us received signs of guidance but either chose to look past them or wasn’t ready to see them. I was angry at God at a time in my life when I felt he “made” me enter a place that totally broke my heart. I won’t go into the details but I found that people who claimed they were working on God’s behalf really weren’t at all. I felt disillusioned and sad… and broke my tie with Him.

So for quite a few years I tried to fill my spiritual gap with other things. I even checked out the Church of Scientology. Now when I see them outside of movie theaters and tourist areas, asking people to take a “free personality test”, I cringe and speed quickly by. Nothing bad happened there but they have nothing to do with God nor any kind of “religion”. Yet, they will tell you that you can bring any religion you have and that your faith is your faith. There were no paintings or images of Christ… no Bibles… no songs of praise or worship. There were, however, lots of images including busts of L. Ron Hubbard. There is a sort of worship to him. Strange. I guess anyone can start their own religion and like the worst garage band in the neighborhood, have groupies.

Somehow, I always knew He was there even when I didn’t want to see Him. He was persistent enough to wait for me, like someone always over my shoulder. One day, with the realization of being unsuccessful in filling that hole in my heart, I turned and accepted Him back. From that point on, my perspective on me… on life… on everything completely changed. Now I know why Self Help books fly off of bookshelves and why so many people see psychiatrists and life coaches. Now I know why they always feel like something is missing but that it will get better if they change their job, divorce their spouse or embark on a journey to “find themselves”. It’s that gap, that hole that is left unfilled. We work so hard on our bodies and our minds but not so much on our souls. And even when we do, we look elsewhere. We don’t want to see that it’s Him. Embarrassed or ashamed, we look right past Him.

The reason why I say that I don’t believe God has a “plan” for us is not to say that He doesn’t have a plan to have his children in Heaven when the time comes. Nor is it to say that He doesn’t bestow a “calling” to those who take advantage of listening to Him and truly do work on his behalf. But because there are a lot of people out there who say “God allows children to suffer” or “God wasn’t there for me when that terrible thing happened”. When I wrote that God gives us many highways… some we choose and some just end up on – it is to say that God gives us freedom, free will, this Earth (a house we are supposed to take care of), our bodies that are not always perfect (although perfect to Him) and hearts that can be swayed to do bad things. Out of many directions to travel, we are the ones who choose which way to go.

Cancer strikes birds, fish, cows, our cats and dogs, sheep, pigs and even plants. Almost half of all pets who die after 10 years of age die of cancer. Our dog, Chevy, has cancer. We’ve spent close to $5,000 trying to keep him with us. Chevy didn’t do anything to make God give him cancer. This is just the way cells work sometimes; either by environment, chemicals or our own immune system. I don’t blame Caltrans (who builds our Los Angeles freeways) when I get lost. It’s complicated out there and I better figure out where I need to go and the best and safest route to take. I can’t blame God that my mother has cancer. He didn’t give it to her. He doesn’t have a plan for her to suffer. She just got it, like millions of other people every year. And there are people out there who are trying to find a cure. We have science and we have God. I happen to believe in both.

There is a supposed conflict out there between science and God. How can you believe the whole Bible when you can’t get past the first book (Genesis)? There is conflict between the way the Bible says Earth and man were created and the way many scientists believe they were created. In relation to Genesis, The Bible Commentary - Based on the NIV, says it perfectly:

“It is right and proper that those with scientific training should seek light on the secrets of nature and man’s past from the Scriptures as well as from the evidence of the physical universe. They are both the work of the same God, and ultimately cannot be in conflict. But it must never be assumed that this information, incomplete by its very nature, and always liable to be modified as science advances, is a true understanding of the Scriptures and their purpose. We must never think that this world’s wisdom and the knowledge give a believer an advantage in the understanding of God’s revelation, nor that ignorance is an aid to spirituality”.

I don’t quote Scripture. I don’t know enough to even do so properly (undoubtedly due to my lack of attendance in church). I wonder sometimes if God thinks I’m not a very good Christian. But then I think there is a place for someone like me. People don’t like billboards that read “Fear God” and those who carry signs that read “Repent Sinners”! or corner you in a grocery store shoving a piece of paper in your hand asking if you’ve found the Lord.

Just STOP, breathe in and out slowly and thoughtfully… and then close your eyes. Can’t you feel who is just over your shoulder? Faithful in waiting for you, He has always been there. You don’t need to look for alternatives to God.

No, I am not that person at the grocery store asking if you’ve found the Lord. I am sort of normal… living my sort of normal life. I’m just thinking that maybe you have blamed God for something terrible that has happened to you or someone you love. I’m also thinking that maybe it’s time to see and acknowledge the ONLY thing that can fill that void you feel. You probably won’t go out and become a missionary. You might still let some cuss words fly every now and again. You won’t be perfect and you won’t be a perfect Christian. But you can finally give in to loving someone who has always loved you. It’s a promise of peace that will cover and hold you. When you’re sick and sad and angry and frustrated and feel totally alone… there are arms you can run to. You will no longer feel alone because you will no longer be alone.   He's always been there... you just need to turn around.
~

Sleepy Sleepy

Oh so sleepy so much of the time.  WebMD says it's possibly depression, hypersomnia and other things like Narcolepsy.  I'm not exactly falling asleep in the middle of conversations but I'd sure like to sometimes.  Don't think I'm depressed.  Too busy for depression.  For some reason a "low socioeconomic status" can cause sleepiness.  That's odd.  Rich, powerful people get super sleepy too.  I must have hypersomnia.  I look forward to the weekends... not for the fun things we do but because I get Saturdays as my sleep-in day.  Hubby gets Sundays.  The thought of staying in bed, putting in ear plugs and pulling my comforter up to my chin is the most enjoyable blissful moment I could have.  Of course my kids give me lots of blissful moments but they don't come equipped with ear plugs nor can get their own cereal.

The weather is changing too.  This makes me even a little more sleepy than usual.  Living in California, we don't see much of a seasonal change but for the past few days it's felt a bit like Autumn.  Fall is my favorite... a little breezy, a little crisp, a little "just right".  We are all set for Halloween.  Hubby has been building (yes, building) his own Ghostbusters outfit, I am going to be Emily the Strange (I needed "easy"), the oldest will be the Bride of Chucky and the youngest will be a doggie.  Doggie was her second word right after "Daddy".  "Mama" was like her seventh word.  WHATEVER.  She is my little smoosh angel.  She says Mama when she doesn't feel good.  Moms are comforters.  We have a hotel booked for the weekend of the 23rd and will spend the entire weekend at Disneyland with our friends.  They have Mickey's Halloween Haunt on the night of the 23rd where they close down California Adventure and kids and parents all dress up.  The kids then collect candy from a variety of locations throughout the park.  It's great fun!  A couple of years ago, Hubby went as Indiana Jones, our oldest was the pink Power Ranger and I went as Little Red Riding Hood.

This weekend, we are going to drive a couple of hours to see some old friends of mine.  They have seven children.  I've held all of them but one when they were babies.  The oldest is now twenty.  Wow.  Then my best friend is having a kid-friendly birthday party for about six people that all have their birthdays around each other.  Food and music will be the order of the evening.  Can't stay out late though... Sunday is not my sleep-in day.  Although Sunday will be nice as Hubby and I are getting a babysitter for a few hours so we can see a double-feature and have lunch together.  Maybe I'm so sleepy because we are so busy... not to mention the fact that I work full time... have a husband... two kids... two dogs...  oi vey.  Yep, must be it.

Mom's update is that she hasn't been sleeping very well but the good news is that the current radiation treatment does seem to be helping a little bit.  Even "little bit"'s are worth taking note of these days.  I would trade in all the hours of sleep I want and get for her to have the comfort of just one night's precious sleep. 

I'm keeping up on the blogs of those currently in South Korea.  We may not really know each other but I'm praying for you all...

Your strength in getting well is what will pull you through.  Your faith and each other is what will give you strength.

Roads and Reasoning

Last night I was looking through some paperwork at home and came across pictures Mom gave me a couple of years ago of my father.  With it was also a poem I wrote her more than twenty years ago.  At the time, she was contemplating starting a small business in Breckenridge Colorado.  For me, I thought "why not"?!?  But then had to realize how hard it is to pick everything up and start something so totally new, not knowing what could happen.  What is it with me and roads?  I wrote this to basically say... it can be scary out there but you have to keep pushing through, you have to keep moving and keep exploring and living.  Don't stop traveling down that scary road.  That road is your life.

When the road seems long and dreary and a year feels like a day

It's the "same" that makes me teary, I don't know why I stay

When Saturday feels like Tuesday and tomorrow is today

I'm tired of traveling yesterday, I want to fly away

Must the road be where I live?  Must the road be who I am?

Is the one thing that I ever did was never give a damn?

My road becomes more frightful, the older that I get

What once was so delightful, I'm starting to forget

Today I crashed into a rock; on the ground I was laying

With all the strength I had, I fought, but ended up just crying

When on Sunday came a speed bump, I didn't know what to do

It's when I feel I have to jump that I always miss the view

On Monday came a tumbleweed and blocked my lonely path

Afraid, I closed my eyes and pled; Oh please just let me pass

On Friday with my might I tried and demanded another road

I begged, I pleaded and lied; but to whom?  I was alone

For me there's no escaping; I'm forced to forge ahead

Alone, there's no debating; my feet were meant to have bled

One day I came upon a fork and had to choose my way

Having to look into myself and decide to choose today

So I turned to one direction as was guided by a Light

The sun was bright, the warmth was soft and gave ease to the night

And now it's been twelve years or more and this road I think I'll stay

The rocks I kick, the bumps I ride and the weeds I blow away

For as long as and I am living, I must never halt my tread

Stopping in my tracks and waiting, for it's then I'll know I'm dead.

Yes, mom did end up going to Colorado and starting up that business.  She never halts her tread... she never has.  Thanks to her, I never will either.